Not Hired

Not Hired user, ChairmanMeow, reports that the following was submitted to a design firm by a candidate seeking an internship as a graphic designer:

A golden oldie to perk up the start of your week.  This is a video resume submitted by a Yale student to an investment bank in NYC.  Please enjoy:

What a nose for news:

I am plagued by guys who think they’re clever…..they will come on to me using my name in a sentence as many times as possible. “Hey there, Gertrude, someone around here sure smells good, and it ain’t me, Getrude………Could I get your phone number Gertrude, and take you out for dinner, Gertrude?” Um, no! Customers, as far as I’m concerned, do not have the right to know my name, unless I choose to give it to them. End of story.

[and from the same posting. . .]

I work best when I am comfortable, and this means, for one thing, that I cannot become overheated, which happens if I’m not careful about the type of clothing I wear.

From Not Hired user, Margaret:

The candidate was applying to be a receptionist at a veterinary hospital.  At the bottom of her resume, she said “I really enjoy working around the pubic.”

Submitted by Andrea B.

Hmmm…so you are looking for a non-traditional, creative writer with a sense of humor…are you? You want them to be very creative and funny to boot? You are asking for someone to “WOW” you through the written pages???!!! Well… You just might have found what you are looking for! Because this is what I do…you know…write creatively! You say that you’re not sure of what you’re looking for…but yet…you will know when you find it? I’ve been doing that for years. Maybe…just maybe…I have finally found my meritorious niche? You’ve asked your potential candidates, the question… Have they’ve always wanted to be a writer? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me! You’ve also asked your potential candidates, the question… Have they’ve always written? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I have! I have! Or at least…I’ve tried… You say that we might be a writer and not know it? Or an artist, playwright, dancer and the like? You say…that you might even take “whatever” we are…(Do we even dare reveal our true identity?)…and make us a writer of some sorts? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I’m your candidate! I’m your candidate! Hey…I’ve been looking to get into this field for a long time! I’ve dabbled here and there. Well…more like trickled… But…I love this business and I love being creative. And I love taking what is deep within me and turning into a stellar masterpiece!!! The question to ask is…have I been looking longer, than you have been searching? Only time will be able to solidify that question. However, I need to take a moment…if you don’t mind…to think? I would like to take my dogs for a walk in Bear Branch Park and mull this over. You are more than welcome to come along, if you would like? Maybe between the two of us…or is it three or four? We can determine…if we’re a great match? Since…I have more of an advantage of knowing what this park looks like, than you do. Let me set the proverbial stage for you… Oh…before I go too far…you will have to excuse the excessive ellipses…that I tend to use. I dunno…in order for me to get my thoughts across to my readers…I tend to take many “pause” breaks… But…I’m very willing to restrain myself from using them…if it begins to affect your psyche with overwhelming intensity. The Bear Branch Park is a dog friendly area. It has 2+ very shady acres…and it is separated into a large dog section and a small dog section. There is even a zoo…smack dab in the middle of the park…of all things. There is water available in both dog areas…many benches to sit upon and of course…dog-waste bags and waste containers. Dogs and companions are loving the shade and maybe…just maybe…while the dogs are having their “day in the park”…we owners…end up having too much time on our hands…to think about…well maybe…just about anything? As a friend once said… “Sometimes…I feel like…I really should write for a living…but I don’t particularly have a topic. Such is the case…at this moment. Then again…I seldom let a lack of coherence stop me from writing about anything else. Why change now? I have no good reason to do that either. And there you have it: I’m feeling too compelled to have a good reason to do things. Sure…I’m compelled to have a good job (most of us…I suppose) since we want frivolous things like food and a roof over our heads. Some of us even buy clothes. There are a few…that don’t…and I sincerely wish would…but I haven’t the heart to tell them. Actually… it’s just that I haven’t found the snidest way to put it to them…and I have my standards…after all. Admittedly…not very many and most of them are low (below the belt)…but I have some…written down…around here somewhere. Outside of life’s necessities…and even during them…there’s a remarkable tendency to do things the way people expect you to… To say what one would not be surprised to hear…such as one…you would say. I can’t think of a single good reason for this. Where’s the style…where’s the originality in that? How much inane boredom can a person take? When someone asks you…”How are you this morning?” Is it actually required for you to give them a straight answer? Instead of saying…”Fine.” When it isn’t true. How about coming up with a metaphor or simile…that will make them think and respect you? Something like… “I’m as defenestrated as a stale bagel”. Right off…they have to head to the dictionary…because chances are good, that they don’t have a clue what “defenestrate” means…”to throw something out of an upper-story window.” It’s a great word. So now…you’ve done them the service of stimulating their mind, first thing in the morning and creatively telling them, that you’re not so great. If you’re a stale bagel…you’re already feeling pretty bad about yourself…being thrown out of a window is rubbing salt in the wound. Kudos to you, if they’re not a “morning person.” I myself… am so bad in that respect… that I am immune to all vocabulary before at least 10:00 am. At best…someone will pick you up and throw you in a refuse container next to some dog ferments from the park…in a leaky bag from Kroger’s…where someone actually…for once…cleaned up after their dog. That sounds pretty awful…but it isn’t as bad as being “chowed” down upon by a Chow Chow…and eventually becoming dog ferments, yourself. So…when you tell your office mate…that…in effect…you feel like you’re on the verge of becoming dog ferments…you’ve darn well answered the question with considerable style.” Does that make you better than they are…because they asked such a normal question in such an unimaginative fashion? Maybe… Maybe it does…or maybe it doesn’t… Okay…so where does this leave us? Am I good potential candidate for you to consider as a “non-traditional” writer? Can this inept mind stimulate your reader’s psyche, that it thrusts your decision to the forefront and give this ole Texas gal (really from Florida…but don’t tell anyone)…a “spit-firing” chance? I hope so… I would like to shout from the biggest mountain in this great big…magnanimous… planet…called earth…with about as much muster, as I can come up with… ”PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!” Yet…I realize…that I may be doomed to stand in that long tedious line of despondent “want-a-bee’s”…waiting to be discovered. Hopefully… after reflecting upon my multi-facet talents…you will be sure to crown me the victor!!! Oh don’t worry… I am quite heavily weighed down with a Bachelor’s Degree… along with many accolades…that could maybe…possibly…be disjointed. And my dress attire? Well…you should have no problems finding it quite fitting for an irreverent office. If I am deserving of such an astute crown…you may contact me at [deleted]@yahoo.com. Looking forward to your enthusiastic consideration!!! Okay…I am getting up now…need to go exercise my dogs again… Obviously… going to Bear Branch Park today…left me with way too much time on my hands…

We actually considered leaving the contact info in this guy’s post so that you could goof on him directly, but we figure his family must have experienced lawyers:

1.Uh, the Kind that Can Spell?

2.This One Stands on its Own. . .

3.Yum: Sippy Cup Martinis!

4.Let’s Not Get Catty. . .

5.No Beating around the Bush! (User Submission!)

The candidate was applying to be a receptionist at a veterinary hospital. At the bottom of her resume, she said “I really enjoy working around the pubic.”

Click to read BBC recruiter’s reply to a job applicant:

A Not Hired user and good friend of Hiring Manager D. received this cover letter yesterday:

[Okay, he didn't include this photo but we thought it was funny:]

Yes, this was in a cover letter:

[Since a couple of users asked, we should make it clear that the photo on the left is the original and the one of the right is the "corrected" product.]

[Cover letter hint: Stay away from racist poetry.]

Uh oh. . .

A friend of ours who is trying to hire a computer programmer on Craigslist, received this unsolicited email yesterday:

Yup, this is a single cover letter:

[NOTHIRED EDITOR'S NOTE: This cover letter gave me the entire idea for this website. So. . . thank you, NASA yo-yo!]

John Fitzgerald Page is famous for his retarded resume and dating drama.  We love him dearly.

Here he is on Dr. Phil:

An anonymous Not Hired users reports that she received this in follow-up e-mail from a candidate who had just interviewed for a sales associate position at her company the day before:

Darryl the Sales Recruiter reports that a candidate applying for Supply Chain Business Analyst submitted a cover letter with the following quote:

“Perhaps your company can utilize the talents of a competent, motivated, and well-organized Chief Executive Officer / Owner Ship / Manager / Operation Manager / Credit Manger / IT Consultant /MD / Sleeping Partner /Vice Precident / Chief Manager Account / Professional cricketer. I am enclosing my resume for your perusal.”

“Anonymous” Not Hired user reports:

While working for one of the largest universities in Missouri, I came across this gem. We decided not to hire this gentleman because his resume was a bit. . . Oh, how can i put this? Verbose is a nice way to put it, I guess.
I even went so far as to call this applicant to discuss “improving” his resume and he was offended that I thought it needed help.

Click to enlarge:

This is the most dissonant combination of headline and resume we have seen in a long time.
[Click image to view at full size]

As long as your publication doesn’t have any subjects or verbs, this is the copy editor for you!

There is something pretty hilarious about an MBA trying to claim that the system is rigged against him:

Extremely NSFW audio:

Someone just reminded us about this classic cewebrity:

Visit Gawker to get a full sense of how John became Internet-famous.

According to several sites on the net (i.e., possibly apocryphal) personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants:

Crazy Stacey interviewing for the wife position on The Bachelor. . .

“Anonymous” reports that she was hiring a Junior Web Coordinator for a medical non-profit.  Here is why the candidate was not hired:

When asked in the interview to list his weaknesses, the male candidate puzzled for a few moments–as though he could not think of any–and started to answer, “Weakness? Huh. . . I’m not sure. . .”
After thinking hard, he finally perked up and responded brightly:
“My abs!”

You might ask what is it that I do? I will then ask YOU..what is it that you want me to do…You will then tell me what you would like me to do then of course and finally I will tell you that is what I’m good at. See… Already we are having a good interview.

Cut-and-pasted from a single cover letter:

“I’m super fun!”

. . .and. . .

“I am the most humble person you will ever interview.”