Not Hired

Not Hired user, ChairmanMeow, reports that the following was submitted to a design firm by a candidate seeking an internship as a graphic designer:

Yup, this came from an AOL address:

Crazy Stacey interviewing for the wife position on The Bachelor. . .

“Anonymous” reports that she was hiring a Junior Web Coordinator for a medical non-profit.  Here is why the candidate was not hired:

When asked in the interview to list his weaknesses, the male candidate puzzled for a few moments–as though he could not think of any–and started to answer, “Weakness? Huh. . . I’m not sure. . .”
After thinking hard, he finally perked up and responded brightly:
“My abs!”

Not Hired user, “Paula Plenty,” reports that a candidate for a customer service phone representative position talked to each of the three people with whom she interviewed about how important it was to have the ability to watch a portable television in her cubicle.  The candidate sealed her “not hired” fate by following up her interview with a letter that included:

I know you can understand that being allowed to watch TV helps keeps [sic] us sane during the downtime and giving good customer support really only takes one ear.  The customers on the phone don’t have to know that I have a TV and I like to watch TV at work because it doesn’t hurt my work, I have a mini TV that I like to keep on my desk and watch with a white earplug. My other ear can hear the phone and listen to customer support issues.  You have to trust me that it isn’t a problem even when very dramatic story is happening on my shows.

I am interested in a position with either a production company or individual clients who could use assistance with the production & technology involved with audio & video recordings.

[snip]

I would like a job on a ship or boat. I dont have any experience workings on boats and I cant swim but i think that i could do a great job for you or your vessel. Wish i hear from you captain soon.

What a nose for news:

Hmmm…so you are looking for a non-traditional, creative writer with a sense of humor…are you? You want them to be very creative and funny to boot? You are asking for someone to “WOW” you through the written pages???!!! Well… You just might have found what you are looking for! Because this is what I do…you know…write creatively! You say that you’re not sure of what you’re looking for…but yet…you will know when you find it? I’ve been doing that for years. Maybe…just maybe…I have finally found my meritorious niche? You’ve asked your potential candidates, the question… Have they’ve always wanted to be a writer? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me! You’ve also asked your potential candidates, the question… Have they’ve always written? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I have! I have! Or at least…I’ve tried… You say that we might be a writer and not know it? Or an artist, playwright, dancer and the like? You say…that you might even take “whatever” we are…(Do we even dare reveal our true identity?)…and make us a writer of some sorts? Oooh!!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!! I’m your candidate! I’m your candidate! Hey…I’ve been looking to get into this field for a long time! I’ve dabbled here and there. Well…more like trickled… But…I love this business and I love being creative. And I love taking what is deep within me and turning into a stellar masterpiece!!! The question to ask is…have I been looking longer, than you have been searching? Only time will be able to solidify that question. However, I need to take a moment…if you don’t mind…to think? I would like to take my dogs for a walk in Bear Branch Park and mull this over. You are more than welcome to come along, if you would like? Maybe between the two of us…or is it three or four? We can determine…if we’re a great match? Since…I have more of an advantage of knowing what this park looks like, than you do. Let me set the proverbial stage for you… Oh…before I go too far…you will have to excuse the excessive ellipses…that I tend to use. I dunno…in order for me to get my thoughts across to my readers…I tend to take many “pause” breaks… But…I’m very willing to restrain myself from using them…if it begins to affect your psyche with overwhelming intensity. The Bear Branch Park is a dog friendly area. It has 2+ very shady acres…and it is separated into a large dog section and a small dog section. There is even a zoo…smack dab in the middle of the park…of all things. There is water available in both dog areas…many benches to sit upon and of course…dog-waste bags and waste containers. Dogs and companions are loving the shade and maybe…just maybe…while the dogs are having their “day in the park”…we owners…end up having too much time on our hands…to think about…well maybe…just about anything? As a friend once said… “Sometimes…I feel like…I really should write for a living…but I don’t particularly have a topic. Such is the case…at this moment. Then again…I seldom let a lack of coherence stop me from writing about anything else. Why change now? I have no good reason to do that either. And there you have it: I’m feeling too compelled to have a good reason to do things. Sure…I’m compelled to have a good job (most of us…I suppose) since we want frivolous things like food and a roof over our heads. Some of us even buy clothes. There are a few…that don’t…and I sincerely wish would…but I haven’t the heart to tell them. Actually… it’s just that I haven’t found the snidest way to put it to them…and I have my standards…after all. Admittedly…not very many and most of them are low (below the belt)…but I have some…written down…around here somewhere. Outside of life’s necessities…and even during them…there’s a remarkable tendency to do things the way people expect you to… To say what one would not be surprised to hear…such as one…you would say. I can’t think of a single good reason for this. Where’s the style…where’s the originality in that? How much inane boredom can a person take? When someone asks you…”How are you this morning?” Is it actually required for you to give them a straight answer? Instead of saying…”Fine.” When it isn’t true. How about coming up with a metaphor or simile…that will make them think and respect you? Something like… “I’m as defenestrated as a stale bagel”. Right off…they have to head to the dictionary…because chances are good, that they don’t have a clue what “defenestrate” means…”to throw something out of an upper-story window.” It’s a great word. So now…you’ve done them the service of stimulating their mind, first thing in the morning and creatively telling them, that you’re not so great. If you’re a stale bagel…you’re already feeling pretty bad about yourself…being thrown out of a window is rubbing salt in the wound. Kudos to you, if they’re not a “morning person.” I myself… am so bad in that respect… that I am immune to all vocabulary before at least 10:00 am. At best…someone will pick you up and throw you in a refuse container next to some dog ferments from the park…in a leaky bag from Kroger’s…where someone actually…for once…cleaned up after their dog. That sounds pretty awful…but it isn’t as bad as being “chowed” down upon by a Chow Chow…and eventually becoming dog ferments, yourself. So…when you tell your office mate…that…in effect…you feel like you’re on the verge of becoming dog ferments…you’ve darn well answered the question with considerable style.” Does that make you better than they are…because they asked such a normal question in such an unimaginative fashion? Maybe… Maybe it does…or maybe it doesn’t… Okay…so where does this leave us? Am I good potential candidate for you to consider as a “non-traditional” writer? Can this inept mind stimulate your reader’s psyche, that it thrusts your decision to the forefront and give this ole Texas gal (really from Florida…but don’t tell anyone)…a “spit-firing” chance? I hope so… I would like to shout from the biggest mountain in this great big…magnanimous… planet…called earth…with about as much muster, as I can come up with… ”PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!” Yet…I realize…that I may be doomed to stand in that long tedious line of despondent “want-a-bee’s”…waiting to be discovered. Hopefully… after reflecting upon my multi-facet talents…you will be sure to crown me the victor!!! Oh don’t worry… I am quite heavily weighed down with a Bachelor’s Degree… along with many accolades…that could maybe…possibly…be disjointed. And my dress attire? Well…you should have no problems finding it quite fitting for an irreverent office. If I am deserving of such an astute crown…you may contact me at [deleted]@yahoo.com. Looking forward to your enthusiastic consideration!!! Okay…I am getting up now…need to go exercise my dogs again… Obviously… going to Bear Branch Park today…left me with way too much time on my hands…

Thanks to Not Hired user, “Anthony,” for passing this along! It might be the single worst written job posting in the history of Craiglist:

This is the somewhat strange and unsourced “Sample Customer Feedback” section found in the middle of a computer engineer’s resume, right between “Summary of Qualifications” and “Technical Skills.”

We should note that the “Peter” mentioned is the engineer himself, and not an actual customer.

I would be a good worker…I only had one job so far and that was doing the news papers! it got kinda tiering walking up door 2door all the time..but im not lazy.. things i like to do inmy spare time are ride my pocket bike,ride my gokart,swiming,and talking on the phone..

1.Uh, the Kind that Can Spell?

2.This One Stands on its Own. . .

3.Yum: Sippy Cup Martinis!

4.Let’s Not Get Catty. . .

5.No Beating around the Bush! (User Submission!)

The candidate was applying to be a receptionist at a veterinary hospital. At the bottom of her resume, she said “I really enjoy working around the pubic.”

From Not Hired user, Margaret:

The candidate was applying to be a receptionist at a veterinary hospital.  At the bottom of her resume, she said “I really enjoy working around the pubic.”

This candidate was applying for Staff Copy Editor at a global business news organization:

“Objective: To obtain a position that will allow me to help educate, inform and empower members of the South Bay community”

. . .we happen to be hiring for POSITION right now!